what i’ve had very little of, in terms of this blog.
which leads to shame, which leads me not to do it even more.
and shaming myself into writing this post led me to realize that i am not very good at motivation without also being impatient and unkind, particularly to myself. as in, the only reason i’m writing right now is because i thought it would be amusing and kind of ironic (and a good opportunity to be self-deprecating) that i write my first post in days about motivation, like ha, what a joke. posting about how lame i’ve been about posting is an opportunity i can’t pass up. gotta get that dig in.
and i can hear that it’s mean, and i feel all the familiar pricklings of shame in my body, but tonight, i think i deserve all of it, it feels right.
I’ve not long gotten off skype with pocketcanadian and her wife and kiddo. It was an experience I’ve amped up in my head and been terrified of. Every time they arrive home I normally get off the video call because I get scared, but today I did it, and it was actually a good experience. I was nervous and it showed (to pc at least), but it felt good and fun and relaxed. A bit of a relief really. 💜
I like this time of year…and very nicely appropriate that we get this word at this time of year. I love the warmth that just starts to make an appearance. I like how after a long cold winter (which I also like…I like all the seasons in their own way, although winter and early spring is generally shit for me), and dark early nights, the clocks go back and the nights are lighter, and then they start to get warmer, and it really does make a difference on my mood. I love getting sunglasses back out, taking my jumper off and feeling the sun on my arms. I love the first barbeque of the year, and gardening, and being outside. The birds singing, the sun warming everything up, and the trees and flowers coming out. Bring on summer…I’m very ready for you
i like lots of things about spring. green things starting to poke out of damp black soil. murky puddles rippling in the cool breeze. the freshness of the air, how it feels like it scrubs my lungs. new growth. new beginnings.
except spring is hard, too. the smell of the mud. the bare trees against brilliant blue skies. crisp air and sunshine. my birthday. all sneaky, horrible, cumulative triggers.
it happens every year, there is a day that is so similar to that day long ago, and it all goes sideways. even if i think i’ve escaped it, even if i’m sure i’ll dodge it, i don’t.
written Apr 17/19; backdated