First thought: it’s weird how this one came straight after friend.
Second thought: I kind of really don’t know what to write for this one. I’ve googled its definition, a feeling of fellowship or friendship, and there are some other words I like…closeness, togetherness, amity, intimacy.
Third thought: Let’s give this a go anyway.
It’s a strange one to write about for me, this one. I mean I live alone, I have difficult family relationships, I’m single, no children, my best friend lives in Canada, and my other two are also now several hours’ drive from me. (That sounds like an inordinately pathetic summary, oh god…)
I guess an important thing to begin with is that I am definitely an introvert; I like my own company, and my space. That’s something I’ve grown up being ashamed about because my parents, (my mum in particular), don’t agree with it. They want me to be miss sociable. They also don’t like the fact that I am not, and to their knowledge have never been, in a relationship. And that’s not to say that I don’t like other people’s company, I’ve lived in a house with 5 friends for multiple years whilst at uni and loved it. Loved the fact that there was always somebody about, and things to do, and someone to drag out to the pub when you’d had a crappy or good day. That there was always company if you wanted it (and thanks to a friend who considered my room her own room, often when it was unwanted, too). But what I’ve also learnt is that I don’t need that constant presence, I’m quite happy by myself. And yet I’d also be lying if I told you I didn’t feel lonely sometimes, or wish my friends were closer. So I suppose it’s safe to say I’m conflicted.
I just started talking about friends, and then I’ve gone back to here and deleted everything I had subsequently written. Because whilst writing it I was thinking, and companionship, to me, feels very different to friendship. Not that they can’t be the same thing, but that it often isn’t. To me, companionship is more than just friendship, or living with people. It’s a combination of the two, and more. It’s living with somebody (although not necessarily, moreso just a constant presence), but also having intimacy, and being there for the dull, the everyday stuff. It’s not feeling alone, or being alone. It’s having somebody there through all of it, the dull and the intimate, and everything in between.
That most often happens in relationships, i think. The spending your life with somebody that you love. But like I said, I certainly don’t have that (perhaps never will). But also, I think you can have companionship in intimate friendships, like that of pc and I. We talk a lot about the really hard stuff, but also about the boring and the ridiculous, and sometimes not really about anything at all. What matters is that its intimate and real, and constant. If I need her, or vice versa, we’ll be there. Maybe not immediately, because that’s never always possible in any relationship, but I feel safe in the knowledge that she’s there, always. I can rant and she’ll listen, I can cry and she’ll listen, I can call her up and we’ll just joke around and laugh and forget about the crap for a bit. That, to me, is also companionship.
And then the other very different thing that comes to mind is pets. And this is something I really want. Pets love you, you look after them, and you’re never alone when you have them. pc has the best cat who I know is a companion to her family, and I have two pups who I definitely consider companions, but are unfortunately actually my parents’ pets, and so don’t live with me. But when I’m with them, when I lived there, or when I pick them up to take them for long walks, or go visit them because I just need to see them, they’re my companions. They are so incredibly intuitive, and therapeutic (in fact my t has started bringing her dog into therapy for my sessions, and one of the first things she said when I had her dog pawing me for attention, on the sofa all over me, lapping up the attention that I was oh so happy to be giving him, was “I know exactly what you need…you need a dog!”). I love walking and find the outdoors grounding, and I just love dogs. I love that they are always there, they’ll cuddle up to you when you’re sad, they play with you, they’ll love you and want to be loved, and they are a constant. They are a companion. Somebody to talk to (and respond on their behalf lol). They are companions, and one that I want to get.
So, this was kind of a hard word to know what to say…but I do consider friends to sometimes be companions, pc certainly is to me. I don’t have the typical companion of a partner, and I’m okay with that. The only companion that I feel like I could do with is a pup. That sounds like the best thing to me. And whilst I like my own company, I do believe that its companions, relationships of different kinds, that make life worth living.
This feels extremely jumbled, I’m sorry. It’s all over the place and i don’t think I’m making a lot of sense, so I’m just going to stop here for today.