nine: influence

honestly, the only thing i could think of was how much i want to be under the influence tonight. of several sizeable tumblers of gin and tonic with loads of fresh lime squeezed in, preferably.


like these, only four times the size. with really fancy tonic water. (yes it makes a difference)

i’m kind of disappointed in myself for not doing better with this word, but it’s all i’ve got at the moment.

but you know what else, though? this is the first word that we’ve had that makes me angry. and to which i have an actual aversion. and i’m tired and a bit sad and even though i can feel the pull of wanting to explore it, i also mostly fucking don’t.

coz i feel like i would be writing a grade school essay about the important people in my life and i’ve had many of those, thankfully. it’s likely why i’m still here. but then what is also niggling in the back of my mind is all the shitty influences i’ve had, and i’m so, so tired of thinking of those ones. i need a break from those ones. but the break never comes.

unless i choose to think about how nice a crisp gin would feel in my mouth (i’m working tonight so i can’t drink, i can only imagine)…so yes, that’s what i’m going to do, instead.



I’ve had a rubbish day and it’s now 1.30am, and I don’t have a clue what to write about today. I really just don’t want to, I’m done with today.

All I’ve got is that it amazes me sometimes just how any random person can have an influence on your life. As a young kid your biggest influences are of course the people looking after you, your parents normally. But growing up and afterwards, it could be literally anybody. Musicians, actors and actresses, books, films, characters. Therapists, teachers, friends, professionals you meet that cause you to decide you want to do their job when you’re older. Paintings, experiences, fears, dreams.

That’s so very far from an exhaustive list.

What I really find interesting is what things influence different people. How somebody going around picking up litter off a beach as they walk their dog could have no influence on 5 people, but the 6th stops and thinks, and feels heavy hearted, and is subsequently influenced to always pick up litter they see as they walk their dogs in future. How some people can just ignore a kind act or a good deed, and how others are influenced by it. How some people experience traumas that cause them to abuse, and how others don’t. How we can be completely opposed in how we’ve been influenced by the similar things.