Innocence

I think maybe I should put a warning here…I’m angry, and this word in particular brings up SA, so is likely to be triggery.

………………………

Ugh ugh ugh. UGH.

I hate this word. I hate it’s connotations, I hate the way it gets used, I hate its implications.

*****

Fuck, I googled it…

1. The state, quality or fact of being innocent of a crime or offence.

2. Lack of guile or corruption; purity.

3. Euphemism – a persons virginity.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

*****

This one actually makes me so so mad. And flushed, and guilty. I don’t like that last bit. Though I guess it’s fitting, huh, to feel guilty for not being innocent. That’s almost brought a smile to my face. Almost.

As for the first one, I’m not innocent. I’m implicated, I’m partly to blame. And yet the other person, the perpetrator…oh yes, that’s right, somehow isn’t to blame. Not innocent of the act itself, he did it, and they know that, and yet somehow innocent of the crime. Because somehow it is no crime. No big deal. Not something to confront him about and risk losing a relationship with him over. Fuck.

As for the second, well, I’m not pure, am I? The guilt here fits in with this bit. It flares up in my belly and has my mums voice, my mums disgust. What shall I choose? The disgust at my masturbating so much from a young age? The disgust when I’d have UTI/yeast infections and she’s apply cream to me (even though I was plenty old enough to do it myself)? The disgust when I got my period for the first time and so “will get pregnant if I have sex”? The disgust when I stole my dads porn to watch, because I was trying to make sense of stuff, and they found it and called me out on it, and he laughed and relished in getting to make it clear how vile I was, and she called me disgusting and I was ostracised for. (By the way I made it through all of about two minutes before turning it off because of getting triggered and wanting to puke). So, that one? The other ones? Ones I haven’t mentioned?

The third, well…. I lost that before I came close to double digits, to a direct family member.

Adios, innocence. I never really had you.

But also, and I need to sleep so I’m not going to go into it, but fuck the constraints of innocence. The people who decide and judge a child on whether they are innocent or not. What that supposedly means, and what a person is worth because of it. The twisted idea that innocence and worth are directly linked. The way abusers can make a person feel so disgusting or terrible for not being “innocent”, that they can shame them into further abuse and keeping quiet. The way the word sits and feels in a child body.

The dictionary would be better without this word in it.

One thought on “Innocence

  1. Oh friend. Oh oh oh.

    You *were* innocent once, we all were. And it was taken away way too soon in the ugliest of ways. I’m so sorry…for the hurt and guilt and anger and hot shame of it. Staying near.

    Like

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