this word has been sitting heavily in my gut all day, and until i started writing, i was not even sure why. it just felt…dangerous. pointy. prickly, and overall sore.
maybe it’s coz i don’t believe in always, not anymore. the adult in me knows, has learned, that nothing is for always, nothing is in perpetuity. always is an illusion, an unreachable standard.
however, for my internal wee one…this is the stuff of her dreams. to be loved eternally. to be cherished, no matter what. to forever be supported. (i was just reminded of a story my therapist told me, as per her own therapist from years ago: that when we find ourselves using absolutist terms like always and never and everything and nothing, that it’s a surefire sign that we are young. ha. so there you have it.)
and though i am loathe to pop the fairy tale bubble of always for her, to interrupt the purity of her hope, to break her heart…i am also desperate to protect her, not only from always, but from its equally fatal synonyms, like forevermore. perpetually. invariably. without exception. continuously. uninterruptedly. because, fuck. they all hurt. reek of broken promises, falsehoods, unattainable goals.
and also, because there is such innocence in holding out hope for always. gazing without pollution upon the world, with such simplicity and wholehearted lack of guile. knowing what i know now…was i truly ever that innocent? did i ever even get to dream of forever and always?
i wish i could. i wish i did. i’m sure that i might have, but that level of faith, of simplicity, seems entirely impossible from where i stand now. and the sadness feels like a gulf in my chest.
I agree with pocketcandian’s ‘eff off’. Seriously give us an easy word for a fucking change would’ja.
The first thing that popped into my head at 8.10 this morning when I read this word was, I love you always forever, near and far closer together, everywhere I will be with you, everything I will do for you from this song. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Seriously, this song?? Why?? I don’t even like it or know where I heard it…I was 2 years old when it came out. *rolling my eyes*
Okay I just had the song on youtube to put the link in and now it’s playing Torn by Natalie Imbruglia and I’m completely singing along in my living room at 11pm, with people outside no doubt able to hear me singing terrible songs even more terribly (trust me I’m a horrendous singer)… Oh well.
Okay, now I’m just sitting here staring at the screen, with my stuffed dog percy hugged tight against my chest in both my arms, tears staining my cheeks. I don’t want to write.
Okay, now Tracy Chapman… and I’m singing along again.
Okay, the point of this is not to commentate on youtube’s playlist. Shut up, pocketbrit. Do what you’re meant to.
My parent’s have always, for as long as I can remember, signed off valentines cards and anniversary cards with something along the lines of ‘all my love, always’. Every year, the exact same.
This year, 3 days after I told my mum and she then told my dad, 247 crappy days ago, I walked into my parent’s house to see their valentines cards on the mantelpiece in the dining room. Rather than my mum’s card signing off in this way, which she had sent every single year, she wrote extra. Something about how no matter what happened, no matter what was thrown their way, they would always have and love each other.
It wasn’t meant to be, but placed in a prominent place, it felt like a kick in the gut as I read it.
You see, I didn’t get an ‘we love you’. I didn’t get a ‘we’re here for you’. I didn’t even get a single word or acknowledgement from my father.
I felt the red hot fire of shame. I was sent way way back into the past, because I felt like I was wrong, so very wrong all over again. My dad hadn’t said a single word to me, neither of them had told me that they loved me, let alone always, and here they were telling each other that no matter what shit their kids put them through they would always have and love each other (and my shame and fear may have been over interpreting many things, but that was exactly what that card was saying).
I was their problem, their difficulty, not their always.
I’ve just been reading over the messages between pc and I on the day I told my mum, and the couple days afterwards…. Aside from feeling ashamed at being drunk and losing it (of course I was given what had just happened), I also feel heartbroken. The day afterwards, pc asks how my mum was with me and I say that she didn’t mention it, and pc got sad and said just like everything is normal? oh love. So I replied ‘but I don’t want to deal with it anyway right now so maybe that’s good’, and she said ‘I know. It’s just…I don’t know. I want you to be able to see love in someone’s face. Not guilt or anger or sadness, but love. That is what you deserve now, and always have. That is what I want you to see today.’
It’s this always. That we always deserve love. Always have and always will. It makes my eyes well up and overflow, and my heart feels so sore. Because it hurts. That we should have been loved and seen and treated differently, saved from what happened, and yet we weren’t. that we weren’t seen, or cared about enough for someone to risk finding out exactly what was happening and putting a stop to it, or to simply be mothered at a time when any child needs, but even more so us with the kinds of things we were going through. There was no we’ll always love you, no matter what and there never will be.
I want to be told that I’ll always be loved. That I’m always okay, that I’ll always have someone loving me and parenting me and being there for me when things are tough, putting me first. I want to be told that I’m always wonderful, however I am, always wanted, never too much.
There’s more, but it’s 2.19am and I need to go to bed. Here’s hoping tomorrow’s feels easier.