this word has been sitting heavily in my gut all day, and until i started writing, i was not even sure why. it just felt…dangerous. pointy. prickly, and overall sore.
maybe it’s coz i don’t believe in always, not anymore. the adult in me knows, has learned, that nothing is for always, nothing is in perpetuity. always is an illusion, an unreachable standard.
however, for my internal wee one…this is the stuff of her dreams. to be loved eternally. to be cherished, no matter what. to forever be supported. (i was just reminded of a story my therapist told me, as per her own therapist from years ago: that when we find ourselves using absolutist terms like always and never and everything and nothing, that it’s a surefire sign that we are young. ha. so there you have it.)
and though i am loathe to pop the fairy tale bubble of always for her, to interrupt the purity of her hope, to break her heart…i am also desperate to protect her, not only from always, but from its equally fatal synonyms, like forevermore. perpetually. invariably. without exception. continuously. uninterruptedly. because, fuck. they all hurt. reek of broken promises, falsehoods, unattainable goals.
and also, because there is such innocence in holding out hope for always. gazing without pollution upon the world, with such simplicity and wholehearted lack of guile. knowing what i know now…was i truly ever that innocent? did i ever even get to dream of forever and always?
i wish i could. i wish i did. i’m sure that i might have, but that level of faith, of simplicity, seems entirely impossible from where i stand now. and the sadness feels like a gulf in my chest.