Night

I’m a bit of a night owl…would sooner sleep in the day and be awake at night, were it not for my job.

I like the quiet, the lack of noise, of people, the stillness. I like listening to the weather and feeling safe inside. I like watching the moon and the stars, staring up into the sky on a lovely warm summers night, or a chilly winters one. I like feeling like everyone’s asleep in their beds, and I can just be, as I am, quietly.

I feel safest and most grounded in my car, late at night. Driving home after seeing friends. Not many cars on the road, lights in houses and streetlights reflecting off the sea as I drive along the coast. It feels safe and secluded and yet a part of this big beautiful world.

*****

i don’t like my insomnia keeping me from sleeping when I need to be up the following day. I don’t like counting down the hours of possible sleep I have left as it begins to get light outside and I still can’t shut my brain off.

I don’t like the nightmares that the night can bring…the recurring one of a group of men chasing me to rape and then murder me, with its variations of being sold to them by my dad, and watching them murder my family and pets first. And the non recurring, but equally awful ones.

I don’t like evenings, the hours leading up to bed. I don’t like the anxiety that I often feel even though I have no reason to. I don’t like remembering how I used to be listening to violence in my house, and for footsteps towards my room. I don’t like the anxiety that I always used to, and still do, drown out with noise. Music, or films, something to distract me just enough to hopefully induce sleep.

I don’t like waking up in the middle of the night, in some room in the pitch black. Having a panic attack when I try to feel what’s around me to work out where I had sleptwalked to, only to bump into something and realise I’m not where I thought I was.

I don’t like remembering how alone I was…the monsters that the night could bring into my room.

One thought on “Night

  1. i don’t like thinking about how alone we were, either. and thinking about you sleepwalking and waking up somewhere dark, in a panic, brings tears to my eyes, and always has. in fact, all of the second part, under the stars up there, makes me want to huge you for a hundred hours straight.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s