forty-nine: hidden/hiding

i struggled with this one. because it felt ugly to put the two things i thought about in proximity to each other. in any case, i couldn’t think of anything better so i published it anyway.

  • the innocence of how our daughter used to run to a tree at the park, cover her eyes and lean into the bark of the tree, in full view, entirely convinced she was hidden; also, how she used to call i’m over heeeeeere! when we ‘looked’ for her
  • how it feels like i have this massive massive secret these days; that i am hiding this huge thing about me and my identity. that i have been dirty, violated, used. that i am hiding part of my true self, the part who now, fully believes the little one who lived it first. that i exist in this multiplicitous (is that a word?) matrix, where i am a capable professional, a mother, a wife, a friend, and at my core, a survivor of horrific gross things that were done to me when i was half the age of my daughter. in my darker moments i hate myself for keeping this secret. but i can’t risk telling it, you see. because no matter how much shame i feel for keeping her to myself, for guarding her, for keeping her tucked in, i am not bulletproof enough yet. all the #metoo and the media stories and the pain in the faces of fellow survivors still bring me to my knees, still make me tremble in awe and with grief. i am stronger than i ever thought possible but i am not strong enough, yet, to resist tearing them apart with my teeth if they were to hurt her again. we’re not ready. i’m not ready.

One thought on “forty-nine: hidden/hiding

  1. It is a massive secret, its huge, the things that were done to you. But the dirtiness, the violation, the horrific acts and all the shame attached to them, all of that is theirs. It’s their disgusting filth, and I know it feels like they injected it into you, but you are not disgusting or dirty or filthy or any other synonym. Just horribly horribly hurt and traumatised.

    I am so glad you are keeping her safe. Saying no doesn’t mean no forever, only like you said, not yet.

    Im so sorry for all the hurt of it, and all the work involved in staying hidden and the losses that come with it. You should never have had to be in this position, you should have been able to be the innocent little girl running up to a tree, covering her eyes and believing she was hidden, too. It’s so sad, the unfairness of it, how undeserving you were of all that happened.


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