I love water. I love swimming, I love being in water. I just love it.

I’ve always been known for it. For swimming for hours when we’d go to the beach, and for going in the freezing UK sea no matter the weather. Or even the season, actually. I once went in in February as a kid in my underwear because we definitely weren’t expecting to be swimming. They’re a photo from when I was about 4 or 5 I think, of me diving (sort of – the way little kids dive) into a swimming pool, no arm bands, and it makes me smile.

This past summer was uncharacteristically nice here in the UK, and I went swimming in the sea as often as I could after work.

There’s something about being submerged. The way you dive under and all the sounds that were there before are muffled. The way you go from being surrounded by people to being entirely alone, under the water, with the water flowing over your body.

I dont really have words for it, how to describe how water settles me and grounds me, all I can say is it helps me so much. Be it having a shower or better, listening to crashing waves, sailing through them, or diving into them…or just feeling it flow around me as i make myself streamlined and push myself through the water.

I kind of want to end it here, keep it positive. Annoyingly though I can’t seem to let myself. Because there’s something else that comes to mind… One of the things my brother would do when we were kids (and in my teens too) was to push me under water and hold me there. He’d have his hands on the top of my head or on my shoulders and he’d keep my head under. I’d writhe and panic like crazy and try to get out of his grip, but wouldn’t be able to, not until he let go, no matter how hard I tried I was never strong enough. He never drowned me (obviously, I’m here writing this), but sometimes it felt like it came so so close. I can hold my breath pretty well, but when you’re terrified, when you’re panicking, it’s so much harder. Id often have no air in me, id have let it all out, sometimes by sort of screaming in the water at him, and then he’d still hold me under for a bit longer. By the time I got up I’d be gasping for air, tears streaming down my face (not that you’d know, of course, because of all the water). Id be relieved, and fucking terrified too.

But yeah, I now don’t like swimming in pools, or the sea if its crowded. I don’t like people coming near me in the water. I don’t like people touching me in the water. And my biggest fear is of suffocating. And this is one of the ways that I can imagine it all too clearly and horribly.

And I am so mad about that. That something that could be so good for me, I can’t do, because it’s too cold to swim in the sea most of the year here (I’m not that brave anymore), and I don’t like pools, because im too close to other people in the water. So I can’t swim most of the time. And that’s crap. I hate that he took that.

One thought on “Water

  1. i’m so mad too, at all of his thievery, hidden and overt. making something safe and healing to be unsafe. i hate him so so much. (and i’m so sorry, no wonder what happened earlier in the year triggered you, god, i didn’t remember about the water, i didn’t know all of that. so incredibly sorry, friend.)


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