fifty-eight: endings

in the wordpress app at the beginning of a fresh new unwritten post, it always prompts, ‘share your story here’…and tonight, with this word, seeing that just made me so unbelievably sad. like disproportionately sad, half a box of kleenex sad.

i hope to be able to explain all of that soon but tonight, i can’t. i can’t touch this word and i can’t share my story here. it’s all a bit beyond my capabilities at the moment.

i know we have about three whole readers of this blog but if the three of you could please just send care or mojo or fairy dust or good vibes or anything similar this way, i’d be so so grateful. it’s hard right now over here, and i need all the help I can get.

Endings

Endings give me huge amounts of anxiety. I told pocketcanadian about this just a little while ago…that we were on day 40 maybe (out of 365) of this blog, and I had a little panic attack to myself. Got really sad and worried. Kept thinking about how I didn’t want this to end. That I freaked out that so many days had already passed and that before we knew it the year would be up.

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Yesterday I went to t with the purpose of making it an ending. For reasons both good and likely bad, I had decided that it was time I stopped seeing a therapist. It wasn’t an ending, I’ll see her next week for (perhaps – I am still undecided) the final time. Its an ending that, like others, makes me panic. But, when it comes to endings I keep my vision firmly on the future, try to remove all emotion and sentementalities otherwise it gets too hard.

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I want an ending to this pain. For myself and for pocketcanadian, who is having such a hard time right now. And yet it’s those endings that you want, that never seem to come, only those that you don’t want.