Hate

A couple of nights ago, I wanted to destroy everyone and everything near me. I was so so full of hate, I just wanted it out of my body. I was imagining hurting my poor little kitten that I love (I didn’t); I wanted to really really hurt him, release all of my anger and hate, and kill him, this little, adorable, sweet and oh so naughty kitten. My thoughts were violent and uncontrollable and just so so not okay. There was no interacting with other parts of myself, there was only this unbearable hatred eating me up. I wanted to rage, I wanted to scream and hit things, and hurt people. I really, really wanted to hurt people. I wanted to hurt myself most of all. I wanted to hurt every single good person in my life, I wanted to scare them all away, and then I wanted to punish myself. The feeling that I always have is that of taking a knife and slicing it, right down my body…of taking my hands and removing all of the soft squishy guts, everything that makes me feel weak. I wanted to remove every single soft bit on my body, and I didn’t want to do it painlessly, I wanted to feel the sharp tang of the knife, I wanted to feel the sweet release of all of this weakness being removed from me. I wanted to feel relieved and like I could breathe again afterwards, hardened and strong.

I hate myself when I’m like this. Its a terrible circle…because when I am hating, I hurt people, and shout or want to hurt innocent animals. That then makes me hate myself the moment the rage begins to subside, and I think about how awful a person I am. That then in turn tends to turn me back to rage and hating myself, and you’re stuck in this cyclical pleasure ride.

Something pc said to me, (after sticking with me through that night, no matter how awful I was), was that she wants to know this part most of all, that she was the biggest protector… And I guess she was. Because all of the hate, all of the anger, became contained. It was separated, and it was felt when it was generally safe, and it was almost all directed inwards. She kept me safe, by making me angry at myself and nobody else. She kept me small, and feeling strong, and blaming myself. And that, in its own very screwed up way, kept me safe. It kept me from acting out and being on the receiving end of retaliation. And it kept me from the unbearable grief of placing that anger where it belongs and realising that no one would listen or help.

I  really want to end this with some lovely sentence or two to summarise, but I can’t, because really it just feels like one bloody big mess in my head.

2 thoughts on “Hate

  1. sweetest friend, she really did keep you safe, and i want to hear all of what she thinks and feels. she has held all of your rage, and just like you said, kept you all tucked in and out of harm’s way. she became the harm so no one else could. what a hard, lonely job. it is hard for her to know that the danger is over now. it is hard for her to change tactics. she is so incredibly skilled and i’m so grateful to her…and i want her to know i love her, too.

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  2. and, i want to know how i can help to soothe her when the hate gets so big. because I can’t join in, and I won’t, coz I love you, and that won’t change, no matter her level of anger or lashing out. she has been doing such a good job at keeping you safe, for so many years, i just wonder how we can help her now, in the present-day…how she can come to know safety in a different way, in a way that shares responsibility with others. she doesn’t need to do it alone anymore, the poor exhausted love. you’re safe now, you’re grown up, you’re an adult. and you have me, and you have others, and you will never be hurt like that again.

    i’m here for it all. i just am. 💜

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