sixty-eight: inspiration

really the thing i kept coming back to (despite not wanting to) was how my therapist used this word in relation to me this week. it has made me squirm all week, because i’m just not, full stop, that’s ridiculous. that said…because it was her that said it, because i love and trust her words and integrity, because i know she meant it and said it with such love and respect…i can’t ignore it entirely and i hate that. i’m curious but also sort of mad that she said it, because i don’t want to know why, but i also sort of do, because it’s so outlandish a claim. it feels too huge a word to apply to me when i’ve done nothing to deserve it.

plus it is making shame noisy and then i get sucked in to that whole shame spiral, because why can’t i just take a compliment already, ffs she was just being lovely. but ugh, it’s so out there, and weird and extreme. and i don’t want that pressure, i don’t want to be an inspiration and i’m just not.

(also, please please don’t anyone comment about your thoughts on my being this word. i’m not digging for compliments, i honestly feel so so squirrelly about it, i’m just hoping by writing it down i’ll get it out of my head.)

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