relief has meant different things along the way, i think. i have unearthed it in places i never imagined, and i haven’t found it in places i was sure i would.
relief is…
- being able to feel my feelings again, after a long stretch of being numb and inert
- coming to realizations that have been painful, but have freed me from ties that bound me and hurt me and kept me silent
- sobbing out loud, letting the sound out, like i never ever could, back then. it means having other people be near while i do that. it means letting other people see my blotchy face, the one that my mom convinced me was horrible and ugly and shameful, the one she used to throw a cold cloth at, the one i have always tried to hide and keep others away from
- letting myself be held. and letting people close
- having a bad day, saying so, and not being left
- being angry, and still being loved
at the sea 
Actually, I know *exactly* what relief would be for me…. Being allowed to be in a room, alone, somewhere soundproof with your mum. And a lack of consequences for anything I might do.
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