Fault (88)

This one’s hard. Like really really hard.

When I was a bit older I used to go to my brother and ask him for things. I did it knowing the things he would ask for/demand in exchange. I went knowingly and willingly and had I not, those instances would not have taken place.

I sold myself to him, basically.

I struggle with this, even now, a huge amount. What I’ve come to realise is that I went to him to gain some control. I went in a complete panic inside, and I detached myself and I did it. And then I felt lighter afterwards. The threat of what he could do that day was no longer a constant companion inside my head; it had already happened. I felt more relaxed and I felt safer and I was doing what I needed to do at the time to cope.

And yet… Am I not to blame? Is it not my fault? Those instances surely were… I mean had I not gone to him, there was no telling whether any abuse would have taken place those days. In law there are two types of causation, one of which is the ‘but for’ test. But for my going to my brother and asking for things, it would not have happened that day. And at least once, if not multiple times, that would be the case. In which case causation lies with me, and in which case the fault is mine.

One thought on “Fault (88)

  1. no, my love.

    it is not a normal expectation when a sister goes to a brother that the transaction include sex. i don’t care if you knew it would happen, it is not your fault that it did. not ever, ever, *ever*. and who’s to say what would have happened if you didn’t go? it was so smart when you did, when you got it out of the way, when you knew you would be safe for at least a few more hours. my stomach churns just thinking of it, just imagining that little girl.

    why didn’t someone scoop you out of there? why didn’t they pay attention? if it was anyone’s fault, it was the adults in your life who turned the other cheek. not you, sweet friend. what’s the other type of causation in alw? coz this one doesn’t apply, dear one. it really doesn’t.


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