ninety-five: patience

i’m totally dating myself (again), but this song.

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i feel like patience is one of those things i work at all the time, but fail at fairly often. plus, i am not very consistent about it; i have nearly endless patience for some things and most people, but am impatient with myself about nearly everything.

i looked up the definition of patience, and yeah, where i fall short is in the not getting annoyed part. most definitions say something along the lines of bearing problems/delays/suffering whist suppressing annoyance/anxiety, and not complaining. yeah i don’t think i do that all that well. i think i have compassion for others, but i’m not sure i can say that i am always able to swallow my annoyance, or refrain from complaining, at least inwardly. and the synonyms of this word make me feel even less like it applies to me: forbearance (i think only ancient stuffy british people would use this word anyway), stoicism (um, noooope), self-restraint (bahahahahahah)…

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but after goofing around on the internet looking at various definitions of the word, wikipedia, of all places, provided a definition i really liked, and that i could consider may apply to myself. which was that patience was the level of endurance one has before negativity sets in. i thought, yeah. okay. i do have patience about a lot of things, then. still not so much myself, but yeah.

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i’m pretty sure that this word also refers to the single-player card game that pocketbrit, and others like her, would call patience. on this (morally superior and obviously correct) side of the pond, we call it solitaire…coz it’s a solitary game, makes sense. i invite you, pocketbrit, to defend yourself and your countrypeople on this one. i will give you strimmer vs weedwhacker, but you have to concur that solitaire makes more sense than patience!! (i know you will not concur, as it pains you to agree with me…but COME ON)

ninety-four: abyss

lately, everything has just felt like staring into the fucking abyss. christmas. my absent, revisionist, constantly disappointing family of origin – which now includes my only sibling, after a disastrous, explosive (on his part), frightening (for our daughter) display on boxing day, in our home. everything suddenly so, so clear, yet so incredibly dark.