Apart (118)

Sometimes I get so dammed mad and jealous that pc and I are so far apart geographically. Like, I’m a total jealous pain in the arse when other people get her in person and I’m stuck way over here. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what she says, or how genuinely she means it, she is just too far away for me to feel her care. It doesn’t feel enough. It drives me mad that the one person who actually claims she cares (and she does care, to be clear) and would hug me, be close and gentle and loving, is too fucking far away to prove she’d actually do it in person. Like, what good are words when everybody close enough to have to prove their words has told me different? Has not touched or hugged me, has not cared?

And then there are other nights, like tonight, where her words make me feel like I’m right next to her, like I can feel the things she’s saying, like I can feel my head leant against her side. These days make me feel sad too for some reason that I can’t completely pinpoint yet. I know she means it, I feel it, I feel her. And it’s more than I could ever ask for, and somehow I feel both so far apart from her, and yet right there next to her. I feel both simultaneously (and yes, I’m aware that makes zero sense). But I do. I long to really actually be in the same room, and yet I can feel it from here, it’s warmth and safety and gentleness. I feel close, really close. And that bit feels very very good. 💜

One thought on “Apart (118)

  1. yes. to all of what you say here, yes. i hate the distance always, sometimes it’s less, but many times so much it is nearly a physical pain. and i get jealous, too, of the random dingdongs that get to see you in person, and talk to you face to face. plus i want to absolutely shake all the idiot people who could hug you and don’t…why are they so stupid?! don’t they know how snuggly you are?!

    and… i don’t know what it is, how it all works, but sometimes, so many times actually, i do feel you. you have comforted me, sat with me, been present for me, held me and loved me over these past three years, so so often, especially lately, and when i remember we’ve never actually been in the same room together it blows my mind.

    and I have no doubt that when we do actually share physical space, when I can actually give you a long squeeze in real life, it will feel like home. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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