one hundred & twenty three: failure

i think i mentioned my biggest trigger before, which lives in my prefrontal cortex (or the pfc, as the cool kids call it these days) and is therefore activated nearly every day. to review, that trigger says that i will never get it right, i will never know the right thing to do because i just can’t, there is something just too wrong with me to be able to find out. and i should be punished for not knowing, for not figuring it out in time.

so, i feel like a failure pretty frequently. at home, at work, at parenting, in my relationships.

it feels like failing when i can’t guess right, when i don’t know what i’ve done make people upset.

it feels like failing when i don’t read the room correctly, when i mention things at inopportune times, when i bring up topics no one wants to discuss.

it feels like failing when i miss things that i should’ve gotten, but i’m in my own world, so i don’t.

it feels like failing when my words are clumsy.

i have felt like a failure an awful lot lately, and the accompanying rushes of shame are like a roaring, endless flood.



i fail