Shut (130)

Lately I just want everything shut. I want to shut my brain up, I want to shut my mouth for good, I want to shut away all the memories, all the body sensations, all the connections. I want to shut myself away, and I think that I should be shut away, locked up, because I must be completely crazy.

Tonight shame has roared. It’s been so incredibly noisy, shouting in my ear and harming my friendship. It’s telling me everything that is wrong with me. Going over and over the constant list that is being replayed both visually behind my eyes, and audibly…that list of everything that people would change about me, if they just had the chance. Everything¬†wrong with me.

I want to shut shame up. That’s really what I need, and somewhere in the back of my head, I know that. And yet, he gets too loud, I can’t hear past it, and then all I think is that I want to be shut in a coffin, 6ft under, where everything would just be so much easier. I wish I hadn’t thrown all of the razors out of my house to stop myself self-harming, because I know that it would just help lately.

 

*****

Pocketcanadian says to me sometimes that she needs to take care of her, because nobody else will. And that makes my shame roar. What I hear is that I am not a good person in her life, that I don’t take care of her, that I just hurt her and am not gentle. It feels like her shutting me out, the biggest shove, a ‘you’re not safe pb, get away from me’. I know that isn’t what she’s saying now, as I write this…. she’s quite reasonably and rightly saying that we need to take care of ourselves first, because we’re the only ones that know what we need and can see to those needs. And yet it still feels like a shut door. I still can’t completely rid the shame of hearing it. I get scared of being shut out, it sends my little one spinning.

*****

Recently, I can’t remember if it was in a dream or if it was during the early hours of the morning where I wasn’t asleep, but you almost feel like you are, as your brain is going over things, imagining scenarios in that dream-like state, but I was thinking about how I’d like to just go mute. Shut up entirely. I mean, I’m not very chatty anyway, I’m very shy. I barely talk even in therapy, and something feels so restful about not talking anymore, like I used to do when I was really little. I think I’m just so tired of the talking sometimes. It doesn’t exactly take loads of energy, and yet somehow it really feels like it does.

*****

And I just want to shut myself away and hide from the world, from my family. From everybody but the very few that are special and so important to me, like pc.

2 thoughts on “Shut (130)

  1. I don’t want you to shut yourself away, or shut up, coz i so value what you have to say, and i would miss you. And i so so understand the sentiment, at the same time. To just…not. Not bother, or talk, or try. Such peace in that.

    Things have been hard lately, for us each individually and then of course, between us, and shame has gotten the better of me more often than not. I’m sorry my words have hurt and have felt like (or actually been) rejection. I have felt so wobbly and alone and unsafe lately that I see abandonment everywhere I look and I’m trying to leave before I’m left. I am also having such a hard time forgiving myself for the awful mistakes I have made, for the hurt I’ve caused, for the messes I’ve created. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of it but I will.

    You do take care of me. And i take care of you, too (not lately though, I know). And we both have to look out for ourselves, first and foremost, as hard as it is. That part isn’t me rejecting you or shutting a door; that part is painful, difficult necessity.

    I love you. I miss you. I know you hear and see so much wrong with you, i feel the same about me. Except there is just so so much right. You are the very right friend for me, the best one. I hope I’ll be able to remind you of why. I want to.

    Like

    • You dont need to remind me of why we’re friends, I already know plenty of reasons… I still feel them, I still know they’re true.

      Like

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