one hundred & thirty five: grace

it’s hard not to bump into grace, in the theological sense, when thinking about this word. like only by the grace of god do i _____ sort of dealio. and of course, i thought about people’s graceful movements, like ballet dancers or gymnasts or even those lucky people who carry themselves with some sort of innate grace (hint: not me).

but i have actually been thinking about grace a lot, mostly in terms of it being a gift that i need to give myself. it is akin to forgiveness (yes, i know i haven’t written that post, it’s a biggie for me) but it is greater than that. it is a choice we can make, when we are impatient or judging or angry with being in the same old miserable place, with feeling stuck, with whatever, honestly. instead of name calling and derogation, maybe we could choose grace.

i mean, what might that actually be like? instead of joining forces with shame and piling on with the mean voices of my past when i misstep or make an error, what if there was kindness, understanding, acceptance, generosity? what if i knelt down in front of myself, saw my downwardly-cast eyes, put a gentle hand under my own chin, and whispered, hey you. it’s okay. i know you feel bad, my love, mistakes always do, but you get another go at it, promise?

i’m not there yet (not even close), but the moments of grace i have experienced so far in my life are memorable, life-saving, and difficult to describe in words. so so healing, so warm, such an antidote to shame. and…what if i could do this for me? what if i could be full of grace for myself?

it’ll be revolutionary, i imagine.

one hundred & thirty four: possibility

this word stings a bit.

coz over the past three years i’ve often wondered: what would’ve been possible for me, with a different family? with different parents? without the years of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse?

all things considered, i’ve done all right for myself, i really have. i married a wonderful woman, we have a great kid, i am gainfully employed, i own a house, i am mostly healthy, there truly are lots of boxes to check.

but what might have the possibilities been, had things been different? who might i have been?

maybe that is one of the most futile questions of all, but i still wonder it nonetheless.