This one makes me think of pocketcanadian….because she was definitely the one to choose this word. I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to the English language (although, I speak it correctly, unlike those canadians and their weedwhackers), and unlike my friend over the sea who is a walking thesaurus, I didn’t actually even know what this word meant….
i feel like my reverence is reserved for small moments in time…unexpected snippets of life, in which i feel deep contentment or peace.
i feel it with sunsets. with moments of silence in huge groups of people, where all is still, simultaneously. the moments just as a baby falls to sleep in my arms, after fighting it and squirming and fussing, when their mouths go all squishy and delicious. when the birds all land in the shrub in front of our window, and i can hear their exclamations and exaltations through the panes of glass. when the moon is huge and luminous in a clear night sky. in the middle of my favourite piece of classical music, the pause right before the crescendo, the best part, the pinnacle…
and even, right now. this minute, i’m sitting in a coffee shop market thingy, i’ve never been here. i’m between dropping off my kiddo and going to therapy. i decided i would sit and try to write a bit. the sun is flooding in. the coffee is perfect. the leaves of the plant on the worn table are so, so green, and new, and soft to the touch (i often stroke leaves of plants, i know that’s weird). a delivery man just came in and he is singing. like, at the top of his lungs, unabashedly. and his voice is beautiful, i mean truly, truly beautiful. he started with whitney houston, now is singing a song from a popular r&b singer from the 90s whose name i can’t think of. and yeah, i feel reverence for this series of moments, as the sun beats in, warming my hands as i type.
i have been texting with pocketbrit, who is having such a hard, shit time of it lately, and i am loving her, and feeling close to her, even though we’re just as far as we always are. and i know i am here, so so here, and that we are okay. it’s only moments but i will take it, i always will.
i just keep thinking of the words ready and willing. or willing and able. those are the only ones that come to mind.
and even though they should gross me out, they’re more just making me feel sad.
we were not any of those things. least of all, willing.