one hundred & seventy six: healing

the first thing i thought (and then wrote) was: never-ending.

shoulda left it there, but no, i decided to take a little lookie-loo on google. idiot idea.

healing…

(via merriam-webster): to make free from injury or disease. to make sound or whole

(via wikipedia) (i know, i know, not the best authority on anything, but…): the process of the restoration of health from an unbalanced, diseased, damaged or unvitalized organism

there were others, but those kicked me in the gut sufficiently.

to make sound or whole. to restore health from a damaged organism. fuck.

to re-establish a life, to revitalize. sure, okay.

i don’t know why it’s hurting so much to read all of that, i don’t have the words to describe how impossible it all feels. and to summarize all that has been lost, has been ‘unvitalized’ (is that a word, even?), to look out upon the landscape of what needs restoration and think, holy fuck, do i even have enough life left to do it?

where will this pain live, when i’m 50 or 68 or 91 years old? where will it have settled? will i be whole?