I can’t put my love of this simply down to the motion, there’s a ton more to it than that; the noise of the waves and the boat coarsing through them, the smell of the salt, the feel of the wind against your skin, and the wood of the deck, and the salty splashes hitting your bare feet that are dangling over the side, the sun on your skin, to name a few… But, the motion is a part of it. The gentle up and down, the watching the waves and knowing in your head already the motion the boat will take. It’s like a rocking really… a more obvious one when sailing into the waves, and a more gentle slower one, when riding the waves travelling in the same direction, with the wind behind you, just the genoa out, catching the wind and bringing you back in. There’s a safety and a beauty in it, and I really miss it sometimes.
I’m going to do this in two parts. Part 2 (which hopefully won’t take forever for me to write – but it might, my father post is still being written) about my actual mother, and this post, part 1, about wanting to be a mum one day, and miscellaneous other stuff.
If ever people ask, or hint at it, or it somehow comes up in conversation, I’m very quick to assert that I won’t ever have kids, that I’m not interested, that it’s not for me, no thank you. To my therapist or to pocketcanadian, I might say that I don’t want to fuck up innocent children by being their mother. That I wouldn’t be any good. That I’d mess it up and damage them and carry on the cycle. Not in an abusive way or an intentional way, but in the way that my trauma would get in the way, and without wanting to or meaning to, despite actively trying not to, I’d mess it up, because I’m too damaged to be able to be a mother. That I don’t want to pass my shit on to another generation, like it was passed onto me.
And, if I was to admit to it, I want to be a mum.
I just wrote a paragraph about that, and I’ve deleted it, because who am I kidding? It doesn’t matter if that’s something I want. It won’t happen for a bunch of reasons, and nor should it. I would be a terrible mum lol.
Maybe I’ll come back to this one too, I think this is enough for tonight.