Enemy (214)

I’m not a person that uses the word enemy…it feels like a 13 year old girl type of word to use.

But over the day I’ve had the word in my head, and I guess without even realising I was doing it I started thinking of who I would consider an enemy, if I was going to use that word.  The people that keep popping into my mind are the people that facilitate it, or turn a blind eye, that allow abuse to happen and make no effort to stop it. They’re even worse than the people that abuse. At least that’s how I’m feeling right now….likely because of how I’m feeling towards these people that are still in my life right now.

Because it’s one thing to abuse a kid. You’ve got to be pretty fucked up to do that to begin with. But to be a ‘normal’ person, and to sit back, do nothing, say nothing, allow a child to be abused because it would cause too much of a scene to do otherwise…that just makes me feel sick.

And then something made me feel sicker still….Aren’t I one of those? I’m doing nothing while my abuser gets married and has kids (the latter happening first, and I think, soon. I’m saying nothing, I’m giving her no warning, no heads up, just ignoring it. What if there is even the tiniest possibility of him doing that to his own kids? Isn’t it my duty to make sure that never happens? Aren’t I just sitting back and allowing him to get away with it? Not making him confront what he did to me, not making him access help, not asking for any reassurance that he would never do it again?

Am I not just one of those people that I would consider an ‘enemy’ if I was forced to use that word?

 

One thought on “Enemy (214)

  1. i wasn’t on the blog today, so i didn’t see this, and i’m sorry i didn’t. there are a hell of a lot of hard, terrible questions you had hanging out there. i feel your urgency and your grief.

    you asked whether it is your duty to tell his fiancee, to make him confront what he did and access help and promise he wouldn’t do it to his kids. apart from the dangerous language of duty/responsibility, if your speaking up was a guarantee of these three outcomes, i’d say absolutely, it’s a no-brainer. tell away. but are any of those things likely to happen? how can you guarantee this change?

    coz let’s walk this through…what would telling him do? none of the above options, i don’t think, my love. it would alienate you further, it would get all of the deniers in your family furious and even more ready to reject you, and more likely than not, it would put you in danger. telling would not make him own up. there is no one to make him own up – your parents don’t want to rock the boat, and do you really think his partner doesn’t know what kind of man he is already? (she does)

    i’m not saying you should or you shouldn’t say something, because all of it would make me feel sick, too. but what i am saying is that you are definitely *not* the enemy, here. you were the person who was hurt and continues to be hurt, and you will be the person who is hurt even more by speaking up (again). there is precious you to consider here – and if you are going to tell, you also need to be ready for the consequences for you. that is my biggest concern – not theoretical, unborn children, but the very real, present you in this equation. you count, too. so much.

    none of us can know for sure whether this disclosure wouldn’t make him wake up, or whether it might change their futures together in a positive, protective way. maybe both of those things would happen, maybe he would have an epiphany and change. but more likely than not, with the parents you have, with the brother you have, this is not what would happen. so no, you are not an enemy, dear one, and you are not ignoring it. but, your parents are ignoring it. he is ignoring it. your future sister in law is ignoring it. and it is a fucking train wreck, to be sure, but it is not yours alone to stop. and given how you are situated in your family, how clear your parents have been, my feeling (shit though it is) is that even if you did speak up, you still wouldn’t be able to stop it.

    all of this is truly awful, my love. including the conviction that you’re just like them…which you are not, you are the furthest from them, that is just shame being a terrible, cruel bully. and having him sit on your chest, exhaling his stench all over you, not being able to get a breath, is the worst feeling in the world. and if you’ll let me,i’ll knock him off, and i’ll stay here alongside you through all of it. where i want to be. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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