Disable (237)

I didn’t think I had anything to say about this one. But I googled it to get the definition:

  • limit someone in their movements, senses, or activities
  • put out of action
  • prevent or discourage someone from doing something

Some of the synonyms: incapacitate, impair, damage, put out of action, render/make powerless, weaken, debilitate.

So yeah, I thought disable….what? which one of us came up with that? what the hell can I say about that one?  But actually I feel like just writing out the definition says enough. Yeah, it’s yet another response to one our words that revolves around the abuse, but there you go.

Being sexually abused is disabling Being abused is disabling. The sexual stuff, the verbal stuff, the physical stuff, the emotional stuff. The living with a narcissistic mother, the having a father that parents with his fist, the having a father that isn’t there to parent the vast majority of the time, the inappropriateness that you can’t find the words for, the scary stuff that you know the words for but nobody wants to hear.

I have anxiety, I have OCD, I am scared of people, I dissociate. I have always been too scared of dating once it feels like it will move into being sexual. The one person that I have had sex with since being a kid is a man that hurts me. I’m scared of putting myself out there in a difficult job. I don’t like being noticed, I don’t like people seeing me. I don’t feel worthy. Attention scares me because attention doesn’t feel safe. I hide away and keep myself small. I get scared when I do things, I feel like I can hear everybody’s thoughts about how awful I am and how they don’t like me. I assume I will get hurt all the time; it’s my basic assumption.

This shit is disabling.

One thought on “Disable (237)

  1. This post is so powerful because yeah, you’ve captured all of it: being incapacitated, impaired, damaged, in so many aspects. How your brain is affected. How your ears and heart and eyes are affected. How the way you interact is affected, how you trust is impacted. I’m so fucking mad about it right now. I don’t want you to know it in the way you do. I don’t want anyone to know it.

    Liked by 1 person

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