Regret(s) (254)

I’ve got plenty of regrets. I’m not going to go into all of them, because well, that would end up being an incredibly dull and longwinded post serving nobody, not even myself.

Today my mum brought up my brother with me. Apparently somebody drove into the back of his car (yet another in a series of unfortunate car dramas of his). She made a comment along the lines of “it’s like somebody up above has shoved a huge arrow pointing at him to attract car accidents”. I think I smiled, shrugged my shoulders in a kind of well, good way. She said I thought I’d tell you that because I thought you would like it…think he deserves it.

The way she does this, randomly brings it into conversation completely freaks me out. It makes me panic and dissociate. It doesn’t feel safe. I said that he drives like a complete idiot, so he does deserve it for that, yes. She didn’t take the hint, or rather, she just ignored it, as she has a tendency to do, and then said “I don’t get it, your relationship with him is worse than ever now, youre the one that said that you had a good relationship with him now”. My panic grows, my shame grows. I say that I don’t remember saying that. She tells me that I did, the day that I told her what he’d done (and yes I did say that). It’s her narcissistic way of saying that I’m now making it all difficult when I was perfectly fine with it back then. Its the insinuation (likely in my head, but I also don’t doubt that my mum is very much thinking it), that I chose how it is now. That I didn’t want them to tell him. That they said they would do whatever I decided. And they still would.

And I could…I could tell them to tell him that they know, to have it all out there, and risk him never coming back. And they would. So as far as they are concerned, they’re doing the perfectly right thing. They’re amazing parents. It makes me want to shrivel up in shame, even now just writing it. Because as far as they are concerned, the upset that I am harbouring (that they don’t even realise I am to the extent that I am), is entirely unfair and unjustified, and all because I’m selfish and too much, and making them out to be awful when they’re not. Except they aren’t taking any of the rest of it into account. They aren’t considering that my dad said literally nothing about it to me until I said that it was making me upset. His response was to completely and utterly pretend it didn’t happen. And then, when forced to talk about it with me, it was a family meeting that felt like a very cold business meeting. I was in tears being stared at by my parents who remained sat in their chairs. I was forced to come up with a plan of what we would do. I was forced to hear over and over about how if they told him, he would never come back. It takes no account for the pressure of all of it placed on me, it takes no account for the total control that was removed from my clutches and placed into theirs. I didn’t choose to tell. My mum asked and asked and asked until I said that yes it had happened. She already knew. I told her I didn’t want my dad to know, she said that he had a right to know and that she would be telling him. I was immediately forced to say what I wanted to do about it. At which point I think I said what I did about having a good relationship with him now that we were older. That things were different. I said it because it was true, and because I needed a grasp on staying as is was for a bit. Not having the rug pulled entirely out from under my feet. She was throwing everything at me in the most terrifying situation to me. She paid no real attention to the fact that I was very much not okay, she made it all about her, made a big deal about how she had to go to bed because she felt sick.

No regard has ever been given to how traumatic that day and the days following were for me. And I’m not surprised, they have no understanding of trauma. They laugh at the idea of somebody having PTSD who hasn’t been serving their country in war. It’s a preposterous concept. But what really hurts is that they have no desire to understand. To do some reading, to think about how to help, or what I might need. All the while thinking they’re being so amazing, and that I’m being difficult and extra. Making a big deal out of nothing. I hate the shame that I carry because of it. The shame that makes me cry and makes me want to hide, just for putting it out anonymously on the internet.

My biggest regret is everything that has come since telling. The not shouting, the not putting it all out there, the not bringing my brother into the huge mess that he doesn’t know exists but that he himself created. The staying close to them, the still seeing them, the not talking about it. The getting increasingly closer to my dad again, to the point where I don’t know if I would ever be okay with leaving them, even though I think that that might be the best thing I could ever do for myself. I don’t know how exactly I would do it different, and I know that no way would ever be perfect. But I just really regret the way that I did do it, even if it was the best I knew how at the time. It feels like the biggest mess that I won’t ever be able to clean up.

One thought on “Regret(s) (254)

  1. Sweet friend, it hurt me to read this. To read how you feel on the hook for all of it, to remember how that day went down and the ones after, to recall again how unfair and entirely fucked up it was to conduct a business meeting about the fact that your brother raped and abused you repeatedly as a little girl. With the main order of business being how you “want” to proceed, while being reminded repeatedly that there was really only one choice: to not tell him, so he wouldn’t be scared away.

    You had no chance to react. You had no real choice. It was so fucking unfair. They are your parents. And yet again, they did not protect you, or think of you, or consider what you may have needed, back then, in the moment, or since. It was all about them.

    And would they really tell him? If you said to? What kind of choice is that for you to make, after being told how awful it would be for them and for him?

    I understand regret but I don’t know how this could’ve gone differently. You didn’t choose to tell, that choice was taken away when your drunk mother trapped you in the kitchen and made you tell her, then told your dad against your wishes. You had no agency here. No support and no opportunity for doing what you needed. No time, even, to figure out what you needed.

    The shame you carry is of their doing. They’re not doing the right thing here, I’m sorry, they’re not. They have made such awful mistakes and continue to. And saying your relationship is better as adults is just the truth. Because you are bigger and he can’t do what he did then. That makes sense, my love. That’s not evidence for the fact that it’s all good now…ugh your mom is so stupid.

    I’m sorry you carry such regret, so heavy in your body. That it all feels so awful and shameful and messy. I don’t see how it couldn’t, and you’re not extra or difficult for having it. You’re hurt and hurting because you need them to want to understand. We all need that, and want that. It is so disappointing that they are so wrapped up in their own stories that they are unable to be caring, responsible parents to you. You deserve that.

    I’m just going to hug you awhile if that’s okay.

    Liked by 1 person

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