Silence(d) (287)

Sometimes I feel like I’ve come absolutely nowhere. When I’m feeling low and it’s all terrible, I think that I’m doing nothing. I’m weak and had might as well be dead. I’m feeling a lot like that today.

A big pull for me is that nothing has changed and nothing ever will, and that my life isn’t worth living.

And that’s hard. Really hard. Difficult to counteract. Because lots has changed, when I look at all of the individual details, and that’s just about to keep me going, except looking at the big picture, what’s changed? Absolutely nothing.

I think it’s easy to overlook how things felt before though. When I’m not thinking about it, I don’t remember the terrible agony of always wondering if I should tell my parents, and the subsequent agony of but what would they do if I told. And what I forget these days is how I ruminated over that every single day. And I mean every single day. I would berate myself for being weak, for doing nothing, I’d question if it would all be better, or all be worse. I would go over and over a million what ifs. All the while the stone of silence sitting heavy in my gut.

That changed, not really because I was ready or wanted it to, but I absolutely don’t regret it. Not one bit. I needed to stop being silenced in that way. And I’m not now, the people I feared being told most in the world have been told.

The part that makes me crumble and feel so alone? They dont really care, nothing has really changed. Now we’re keeping the secret together from my brother. Because he’s the important one, he’s the one they can’t bear to lose.

2 thoughts on “Silence(d) (287)

  1. I’m so sorry i missed this. Because these past couple days were just awful, weren’t they, friend. That pull of wanting to be dead was strong. And all the hurting.

    It isn’t the same as before, it’s just not. Details and little picture both. Part of the Shame’s lie is that it will never get better. That you won’t grow and that nothing will change. That you are alone, same as always, that none of it matters, that no one cares. I know that story very well. It is compelling and it is wrong.

    Yet in one way it’s right, coz you can’t change them. They are the same. Faithful old things, favouring him, belittling you. And the pain of it…that even this horrible secret you harboured can’t change them…oh, friend.

    So no, I don’t think this part is better, even though it’s different. You’d think it would be better but it still just hurts and hurts all over, doesn’t it. It’s not always going to be this terrible, that I can promise. I can’t tell you when it’s going to let up but I know with everything in me it’s going to.

    And I’m here for all of it. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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