Therapy pt 1

Dear sonja

As much as I wish I could write all good things, what I’m feeling right now is all of the bad. And to be clear, by bad, I mean absolutely fucking terrible. I oscillate between wishing you were dead (and yes, I know how awful that makes me), and wishing you would take me in as your own and welcome me back with open arms and hugs and ample words of reassurance.

You see I don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand how it happened, I don’t understand how it’s okay for you to have done that, I don’t understand what I did wrong, I don’t understand why you abandoned me and I really don’t understand why you are treating me like I’m some dangerous criminal.

Do you know that I’ve been making a scarf that I started knitting for you? Do you know that I’ve had a design idea for a necklace to make you going around and around in my head for months, that I intended to make and give to you for christmas? I don’t know where this all went wrong. I really don’t know where this all went wrong.

I like to think that you’re nothing to me, that you never were anything to me. That I never needed you and never cared for you. That I couldn’t care less about your dog that used to cuddle me on your sofa, or your cat that I got to know as a kitten. I need to pretend that you are nothing to me. That I don’t care whether you still exist, whether you are still practicing, what your kid is up to, whether you ever think of me.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand how despite knowing my core wounds, all the attachment shit, you could do what you did. I don’t understand how you abandoned me. And worse, I don’t understand how you treated me as though I was a criminal, refusing final sessions, refusing to have any more contact with me.

You made me feel like I was the worst of the worst. Like I should be put down. Like I didn’t deserve to call myself a human. That I used and abused people. That I am just like him.

I am not like him. I am nothing like him. Whether I was too much for you because of your own wounds, or whether I was too much for you because of my stuff, because of being little and upset and needy, I don’t know. But I am not an abuser. I am not like him. And I cannot begin to tell you the damage you have caused by treating me like I’m even worse than the rapist that I came to you because of in the first place.

I want to be dead. I am struggling every single day with the will to stay alive. I just wish that when I went to bed at night, I would never wake up in the morning.

I hate you. I know that is childish and harsh and likely cruel to say, but I hate you. I hate what you have done to me. I hate the pain you have caused me, knowing exactly how it would. I hate how I mean nothing to you. I hate how you can simply erase me from your life, but I can never erase you from mine.

I feel worthless. Even the one person that I pay to be there for me abandons me and treats me like the disgusting whore I have grown up being told that I am.

I have nobody. Nobody at all. Not even somebody that I pay to be by my side.

Why bother living?

Fuck all of it,

Pocketbrit.

2 thoughts on “Therapy pt 1

  1. I don’t understand any of it either. Why she did what she did, how she could, how her supervisor didn’t stop her. I really believe she should not be practicing, what she did was damaging, dangerous, and very very not okay on every level. I know there was some good in it all, but i fully understand not being able to feel it, coz there has been so so much bad. You are not imagining that. It happened, i was here through it.

    I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer ‘why bother living’, coz lately, i also feel like i don’t want to be here, am fighting, just like you, to stay. Except you’re saying it in the context of the hurt that sonja has put you through, and after all the things all of you have been through, to have her be the final straw would make me PISSED RIGHT OFF. Like forever. She didn’t know you, doesn’t know you, doesn’t get to define who you are and how you feel. The hurt she has caused is gargantuan, and i so so understand that. She has hit you in every trigger you’ve got going, and done it knowingly…though I would still argue that it is her own triggering and not taking care of her personal shit that is the problem here, not you, as she’s been more than comfortable letting you believe. She had a professional obligation to take care of her stuff and she didn’t, she let it bleed all over you in therapy, even acknowledged that it did, but still didn’t take care of it. If she did, the end result may have been the same in terms of your work together, but she could have taken the opportunity to give you a good ending. She owed you that, you paid her to take care, to be boundaried and safe. And she did not hold up her end of the bargain whatsoever.

    Coz the truth of the matter is, you have not been the abuser here, she has. She has used her power and authority to hurt you and it’s not okay, my love.

    I’m here for the pain of it, even though i know I’m saying things that are hard for some inside to hear. But I believe them with all my heart. She wasn’t the one for you. She didn’t deserve you and I’m glad she doesn’t get to hurt you anymore. That doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your feelings and the hurt and the wanting and the hoping she’ll take you back. It doesn’t mean I think you’re stupid and I’m judging you. I can hear all of the hurt, and i understand it. You were attached to her, you cared about her, and she hurt you very very badly. She was your therapist. And instead of helping, she was just another person who hurt you. I know you want to take ownership of that, but I promise it’s not yours. It’s so so clear that it’s not, from where I stand, though it’s so messy and noisy and sticky and hard.

    And, like I said, I love you. Even if she didn’t. How she treated you is everything to do with you and has no bearing in how I feel about you. πŸ’œπŸ’™πŸ’—β€οΈπŸ§‘

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