Thawing (153)

I felt like writing tonight, but I didn’t know which word I was going to choose or what to write about, just that I wanted to. In my very long list of words this one kind of stood out. Thawing feels like what is going on in my relationship with my mum lately.  Lately I’ve been full of rage, the part of me that holds all of the violence and anger has been in charge, with no care about who I hurt or what I say – she’s been completely spinning. One of the things she’s been completely pissed about is how my mum has been lately, and frankly, has always been. And, to add to that, how the rest of my family has been…my dad, my brother, my other brother.

It’s been two years since my mum asked me if anything happened with my brother, and she came out with “I know he tried it on with you once”. Two whole years and it took until about 3 months ago, when I told her I was going on anti-depressants for her to actually decide she cared.

My relationship with my mum has never been particularly good, and in the last several years its been pretty bloody crap. She’s thrown around a lot of comments about how selfish I am, how ungrateful I am, as well as how wonderful my brother is and how lucky I am to have a brother like him. (Which feels 100% worse knowing that she did in fact know about what he did to me – I always thought she did, but I always quashed those thoughts, telling myself that it just couldn’t be true that she knew and did nothing.) The boys were always my mums, and I was always my dads. I clung to him when he was home and I adored him. As for my mum, our relationship at times felt more like housemates than mother and daughter. Living in and occupying the same space, but not connecting emotionally like you would expect a mother and daughter to.

But then, for some reason, 3 months ago things started to improve. Our icy relationship is thawing. I don’t know whether it is because these anti-depressants are working for me so I’m feeling more patient and understanding towards her – less like I want to kill her every time I look at her which is pretty much what it was like, or whether it took my mentioning anti-depressants for her to finally clue into the fact that what he did to me did damage, and that I am not okay, and that somehow triggered some mothering instinct in her. Maybe it’s a combination of the both, I reckon so.

So, things have been thawing, our relationship is definitely improving. But then, when she places a text from my brother into my hands, saying to me that I need to tell her how I want her to respond (the text basically calling her out on how she’s been with him lately (not as warm and friendly), she then basically tells me what she wants me to say to her. Basically twisting it, so that I agree that she can do what she wants – keep the silence and secrets, and not risk her precious son. If I say something he may never come back. What if I say something and then he does something stupid like kills himself. He’ll only deny it so what is the point. What if it ruins his relationship with his fiancee, I don’t want to hurt her. etc etc etc.

So yeah, I’ve been fucking mad about all of it. My therapist dumped me, my dad refuses to even acknowledge it, pretending that nothing happened, my eldest brother still acts like he’s gods gift even though, oh yeah, he raped me for years, my middle brother returned after about 5 years of no contact and told me he missed me the most, and my mum is pretending to put me first when in reality it’s all about her, as ever.

Meanwhile, I’ve been wanting to just be dead. I’ve been struggling to keep myself alive. My body has been feeling terrible, and I am writing this with yet another migraine that I’m feeling nauseous with too. Ugh.