Hope (359)

I find it really hard to hope for things, to admit what I want and acknowledge to other people that actually I do hope for things.

Lately I told pocketcanadian of one of my biggest hopes, that I really want to move to Canada and away from my parents and family for 6 months, two years, maybe forever. Its a big thing admitting that. I told my therapist once and then the following week I came back to her, so full of anger at myself, saying it was impossible, it would never happen for a whole load of reasons, and that she shouldn’t have ever led me into believing it was actually possible. Safe to say I was punishing myself for daring to hope, and worse, for expressing those hopes to somebody else.

Lately, 9 to 10 months later, I’m beginning to express those hopes again. To look into it a bit more, to tell pocketcanadian, to put more attention on what I really want and to just give it space. So here i go, I’m going to put it out there a little bit more. Put it here, and think about all the logistics of it.

So im from the uk, and i love being by the sea, love water, and feel connected listening to waves, diving into them, feeling the water all around me. So, id like to go to the coast, ideally the east coast, Nova Scotia.

That might not be an immediate thing though, because pocketcanadian is somewhere else in Canada, and I think if I’m going to make this huge move, it might be better to start out near her, so that I have a safe space, someone I can turn to and see and hug on those bad lonely days.

Here are the things i need to work out (this list will get bigger, but here’s where I’m at right now) :

Rent. How much a month? Bills included? How much for bills? Council tax?

Working visa. Cost? How easy?

Student loan. Normally comes out of wages, what happens if I move abroad?

When? Before I’m 30, as soon as I’ve saved enough money.

Cat? If 6 months, i could leave him here and he would be looked after, but I would feel so guilty, and I would miss him like crazy. If longer, take him? Can I find somewhere to rent that will take pets?

Business? Can I get my craft business going here? Can I get it to make money? Can I move that abroad? Would it make sense to? Would I be able to take my equipment?

Job. This is a big one. I would need to ideally have a place to rent and a job lined up. Needs to be enough to live off and slightly save (ideally).

Money. I want to go there with all of my basic expenses for 6 months in savings. 6 months rent, bills, food etc. Or , alternatively, 4 months and enough for the flight back. That’s probably more realistic. And of course will need the cost of the flight there.

Transport. Won’t have a car, so get a car out there? Car cooperative? Public transport?

Travel insurance. Or will it just be medical insurance once I’m out there ? How will I pay for my sertraline? Will it be easy to get? Will it be expensive? Doctors, dentists etc? How do you go about that stuff?


That’s where I’m at right now, thinking of these things, with lots of questions, things to find out.

I don’t know what it is, but hoping and expressing it and telling people makes me incredibly anxious. The nightmares and dreams, and just constant noise in my head of “you can’t do this”, “you never should have said anything”, “you’ll fail”, “you’ll hate it”, “you’ll get too lonely”, “you can’t leave the cat and your family and the dogs”, “someone will die and you won’t be here and you won’t ever see them again”, you will screw it up, you’ll run out of money, you won’t make any friends, you won’t get a job, you’ll fuck it all up”. Etc etc etc.

So this post is a fuck you to that anxiety. Time to start the couple of years of planning and saving and working it all out.


3 thoughts on “Hope (359)

  1. I love when you write, coz I learn more and more about you. I didn’t know that the very act of hoping is as difficult for you as it is, and it makes such good sense why it is. It is protective, not to share your hopes, and also, to try not and have any in the first place. You have learned that it is better to protect against disappointment so it will hurt less, and that makes me feel very sad except for the fact that you are giving that fear a major middle finger right now by telling us all. And I love that. Up yours, fear. You got nothing on my bestie.

    The feelings are going to be there. Super scared feelings. Terror. And lots of the feelings come from long ago, but they are also from now, because yeah, it is damn scary to move your life to another continent. It’s a huge change and a risk and it’s scary, never mind all the trauma stuff on top. You know that I have faith in you, no matter what happens. It sounds like you want to give it a go and see how it feels. Try it for a bit, see what happens. I think framing it like that is really really good, because all you’re doing is trying. You don’t have to choose forever. And you can change your mind.

    I love you lots and lots and am with you through all of the scared of this. You do hard things all the time, and if this is something you want, i believe you can do it. (and, I’m trying to keep my own selfish excitement out of all of this, but i LOVE this idea. LOVE IT.) πŸ’œπŸ’—πŸ§‘πŸ’™πŸŒŸ

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I was as brave as you and could even contemplate moving across the ocean. Nova Scotia is amazing and Halifax is fantastic but if I had to choose any eastern province it would be PEI. I love, love, love it there…but because you don’t know anyone it could be a bit lonely, and winter is pretty desolate there. It’s definitely good to have dreams like this especially if you don’t feel like there is anything keeping you where you are. There’s nothing wrong with doing something and if you don’t like it you could always go back.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m so sorry Kerry, I only just saw this…. but thank you πŸ™‚ Yeah that’s my plan, if I don’t like it, I never have to stay, but i could be a very good experience either way


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