Silence(d) (287)

Sometimes I feel like I’ve come absolutely nowhere. When I’m feeling low and it’s all terrible, I think that I’m doing nothing. I’m weak and had might as well be dead. I’m feeling a lot like that today.

A big pull for me is that nothing has changed and nothing ever will, and that my life isn’t worth living.

And that’s hard. Really hard. Difficult to counteract. Because lots has changed, when I look at all of the individual details, and that’s just about to keep me going, except looking at the big picture, what’s changed? Absolutely nothing.

I think it’s easy to overlook how things felt before though. When I’m not thinking about it, I don’t remember the terrible agony of always wondering if I should tell my parents, and the subsequent agony of but what would they do if I told. And what I forget these days is how I ruminated over that every single day. And I mean every single day. I would berate myself for being weak, for doing nothing, I’d question if it would all be better, or all be worse. I would go over and over a million what ifs. All the while the stone of silence sitting heavy in my gut.

That changed, not really because I was ready or wanted it to, but I absolutely don’t regret it. Not one bit. I needed to stop being silenced in that way. And I’m not now, the people I feared being told most in the world have been told.

The part that makes me crumble and feel so alone? They dont really care, nothing has really changed. Now we’re keeping the secret together from my brother. Because he’s the important one, he’s the one they can’t bear to lose.

Delight (148)

Free association :

  • Im not feeling very delighted about anything today. Or y’know the last little forever.
  • Turkish delight. Absolutely bloody disgusting.
  • Angel delight… Also from what I remember (and my automatic ‘ew’ reaction since I was little), pretty damned gross.
  • It seems if the type of food has to call itself “delight” it isn’t going to be very delightful. Go figure.
  • After a pretty terrible beginning to my day (and its come back and continued into tonight) a mum and her little boy came into where I work today. The mum was wondering around, and the little boy, maybe about 3, kept shyly making eye contact with me and sussing me out. Then he strays behind a bookcase type thing, and starts hiding and then peeping out, first one side then the next, and back and forth again and again. I start tilting my head to either side with him too, pulling faces and acting shocked. He’s extremely cute, trying to peek at me without being seen, and then smiling and giggling at my silly expressions. I’m not sure it was quite delight, but it was close, he was very pleased that this random woman was joining in on his game of hide and seek (as his mum said) which more resembled peek-a-boo to me. And he made my day much better for the next couple of hours