seventy-eight: breath/breathe/breathless

two things i thought of:

  1. my utter failure at yoga and meditation. because i can’t just breathe, or settle into the breath. i find this to be the hardest ever. i feel judged and like a complete failure at mindfulness because i may be completely relaxed, i am breathing in and out, and my body is feeling okay, but then the instructor tells us to bring back our thoughts to the breath and i realize i’m daydreaming or my thoughts are wandering to daily banal stuff and fuck, why can’t i just focus on the gd breath?!
  2. how i breathe when i am having a flashback. how i pant, almost, how it happens without me even being aware of it, until i realize i am trying to gulp huge lungfuls of air but i am also sort of choking and it’s really awful. and usually, at the same time, i’m crying but there’s not the feeling of crying, it’s just that buckets of water are flowing down my face and i can’t talk.