Shut (130)

Lately I just want everything shut. I want to shut my brain up, I want to shut my mouth for good, I want to shut away all the memories, all the body sensations, all the connections. I want to shut myself away, and I think that I should be shut away, locked up, because I must be completely crazy.

Tonight shame has roared. It’s been so incredibly noisy, shouting in my ear and harming my friendship. It’s telling me everything that is wrong with me. Going over and over the constant list that is being replayed both visually behind my eyes, and audibly…that list of everything that people would change about me, if they just had the chance. Everything¬†wrong with me.

I want to shut shame up. That’s really what I need, and somewhere in the back of my head, I know that. And yet, he gets too loud, I can’t hear past it, and then all I think is that I want to be shut in a coffin, 6ft under, where everything would just be so much easier. I wish I hadn’t thrown all of the razors out of my house to stop myself self-harming, because I know that it would just help lately.

 

*****

Pocketcanadian says to me sometimes that she needs to take care of her, because nobody else will. And that makes my shame roar. What I hear is that I am not a good person in her life, that I don’t take care of her, that I just hurt her and am not gentle. It feels like her shutting me out, the biggest shove, a ‘you’re not safe pb, get away from me’. I know that isn’t what she’s saying now, as I write this…. she’s quite reasonably and rightly saying that we need to take care of ourselves first, because we’re the only ones that know what we need and can see to those needs. And yet it still feels like a shut door. I still can’t completely rid the shame of hearing it. I get scared of being shut out, it sends my little one spinning.

*****

Recently, I can’t remember if it was in a dream or if it was during the early hours of the morning where I wasn’t asleep, but you almost feel like you are, as your brain is going over things, imagining scenarios in that dream-like state, but I was thinking about how I’d like to just go mute. Shut up entirely. I mean, I’m not very chatty anyway, I’m very shy. I barely talk even in therapy, and something feels so restful about not talking anymore, like I used to do when I was really little. I think I’m just so tired of the talking sometimes. It doesn’t exactly take loads of energy, and yet somehow it really feels like it does.

*****

And I just want to shut myself away and hide from the world, from my family. From everybody but the very few that are special and so important to me, like pc.

Hidden/hiding

When I was a kid we had this ‘tree house’ that was in one of the fields where we lived. It wasn’t much of a tree house… It was on an oak tree whose roots were in a stream and that had fallen over but still grew. There were a few planks that had been nailed in creating a frame and some planks to create something resembling a floor, but that was pretty much it. Where the roots where where it had fallen over, they met with the stream and went up vertically creating a sort of vertical wall (only maybe 3 or 4 feet high) a few feet away from the bank of the steam which was parallel to it. Over the top we’d put some more wood, and created a bit of a den. A small space enclosed by tree roots and a muddy bank. Full of leaves and bugs and with a wooden roof. The trickling sound of the steam right next by.

That steam led into a large pond, and on the side further away, slightly difficult to get to, was a rope swing hanging from a tree right next to the pond. A thick branch with rope wrapped around the middle of it and tied up in the top of the tree.

I’d hide out there. Take food and drink and books and stuff to draw and id hide out. Id play and make up stories. Id swing and swing for hours, sometimes being lucky enough to watch 8 beautiful little ducklings swim by.

Nobody normally cared to notice I was missing. Id used to wait, hoping and expecting someone to come down and see where i was…never really had any luck with that.

*****

I’d hide away in my brain. Space out, dissociate. Id hide away from the experiences happening to my body.

****

I once ran away and hid down in our orchard. I never ran away, but one of my brothers did it frequently at the time and got a lot of attention. He’d get picked up by the police, he’d be worried about, and asked what was going on. They never even knew I was gone. So, I never did that again, I was so ashamed.

*****

Id create tents in my bedroom all the time for a bit. Blankets over the bedposts, my own little den. Somewhere id do homework and spend my evening and try to feel safe. Somewhere I could hide from my life.