Honesty (101)

Following pocketcanadians lead here.

  • I think I might have actually lost it. I think I’m being crazy, I think im making stuff up  except then I also rotate with it just feeling normal, and then with my wanting to hide the truth because it feels so so shameful that I want to disembowel myself with all the hate I feel.
  • I hate myself sometimes, like actually wholeheartedly, painfully  despise myself to the extent that Ive been having nearly daily thoughts of killing myself.
  • I want to be loved. I tell myself that I don’t need love, don’t need anybody, perfectly happy and safe by myself. Nobody to hurt me. Except the honest truth is that I’m desperate to be loved and held and rocked and soothed. I long for and dream of somebody sweeping me up and taking care of me. Of being able to cry and weep and shout and let it all out and for somebody to stay and hear it, and tell me it’s okay now.
  • I’m so fucking mad that my therapist won’t be who I want her to be. She doesn’t love me, so fuck her.
  • I’m scared of the next four months. I refuse to be scared of anything  but that doesn’t always work.
  • I want my dad.
  • I think im more little than I am adult, and that makes me so ashamed.
  • Sometimes I want to really physically hurt people, because im that crazy. Pocketcanadians parents being top of the list.
  • All of it hurts, especially right now.


  • Oh and i can’t raise only one eyebrow. They are team players.

one hundred & one: honesty

here’s some honesty:

  • i have cried nearly every day the past two weeks. and, i mean, ugly cried. not just a few tears but full-on, with snot and sobbing
  • my parents have never known who i am, and they never will
  • i can’t wink both eyes – only one of them. i thought this was normal. it is not
  • i have never felt so alone, and also so held, in such a short span of time
  • i love pocketbrit
  • i am missing the gene that makes me love christmas
  • that said, i’ll never say no to a christmas dinner
  • i am amazed at how trauma hurts in such new and different ways. just when i thought i’d felt all the feelings, there are more
  • every time i read the word honesty i heard this natalie merchant song in my head…with the wrong word (ie honesty vs jealousy) instead, god i’m a doofus